Sorry!

I haven't posted anything in a while. I have a lot of things going on and a lot of emotions and I don't know how to put them all into words. I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling because at the moment I don't really know. I know that probably doesn't make much since. But I will do my best to explain.

Last Wednesday Bradley told my best friend that I was a pain in his ass, too emotional, and yelled to much. Where he got the yelled to much from I don't know because I haven't ever "yelled" at him.. But I can kind of understand where he is coming from. You would think that would be enough for me to just be done with him. But he didn't tell me. He told my best friend all of this. He also told her that he was done and that he still cared about me and wanted to be with me but he was done and couldn't take it anymore. You would think that would be enough for me to be done right? No, I can't let go. I'm scared to let go. I'm scared I will forget him, or if I do move on that there will never be another chance. Tuesday he deleted me from his myspace. That's when I broke down. I balled my eyes out. I can't explain why it hurt so much that he deleted me but it did. So I sent him a message and said I want to hear it from you, I NEED to hear it from you, that you want to move on so that i can as well and he didn't say anything. I deserve that much don't I?

I don't understand how you can smile all day long But cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change, But the people in them do. How you can love so innocently, But it can turn into anger so quickly. How your best friend can become your worst enemy or How strange it is when your worst enemy Turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months That you'd do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said You couldn't live without. How even though you know something is best for you, It hurts just the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, Think a few minutes of their time is too much time to spare. How the smell of a person stays with you Even when they're gone. How people make promises, And bear their souls to someone Despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How someone can erase you from their lives Cause its just easier then working things out.

This is something I found on my friends myspace and it really stuck out. I don't understand. Everything reminds me of him, He's on my mind 24/7. I feel a lot of guilt. If I wouldn't have gotten mad, or if I wouldn't have say something, or if I would have just let him have the time and space he needed then we would still be together and happy. I wish more then anything that he would tell me himself that he is done. But I can't take back the past all I can do is move forward. And as hard as it is and as painful as it is I HAVE TO MOVE ON. If there is one good thing out of it all it would have to be the fact that I have learned a lot. I don't regret being with Bradley at all. Yes we fought and yes there were somethings he did that I wasn't always happy about but we also had AMAZING talks. I was able to open up and tell him things that I have never told a guy. He was my best friend. I think there will always be a place in my heart for him. The only thing I would take back is the way we ended. I miss talking to him. I miss having him there too cheer me up. But I'm working to put God there now. To rely on God to build me up.

I want everyone that reads this to know that Bradley was not a horrible boyfriend. Yes things got a little ruff at the end. He said somethings he probably shouldn't have and so I have I. I don't want anybody to think badly of Bradley. Because without him I would not be where I am at now. He came at a point in my life where I was very down. Without him I would not be where I am today. I don't think he knows how much he has helped me. I can't even begin to tell you how important he is too me. Even though we are not together and right now I don't see us being together again any time soon. He is still very important to me. He gave me hope. He built me up. If I go on to much more I might start crying so for now that is all that I am going to say.

Thank you for reading.

But please please do not think badly of Bradley.

- Raven.