Broken.

Wake up to a sunny day
not a cloud up in the sky,
then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground,
And they shatter all around.
So open and exposed.
I found strength in the struggle.
Face to face with my trouble.

When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're tryin but you cant hold on anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason.
Don't you stop believing in your self.
When you're broken.

Little girl don't be so blue,
I know what you're goin through.
Don't let it beat you up.
Heaven knows that getting scars only makes you who you are...
only makes you who you are.
No matter how much your heart is aching, there is beauty in the breaking....
yeeeaaaahhh

When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're tryin but you cant hold on anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason.
Don't you stop believing in yourself.
When you're broken.Bridge

Better days are gonna find you once again every piece will find its place!

When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're tryin but you cant hold on anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason.
don't you stop believin in your self
When you're broken.


Bradley and I broke up today. I don't think I have EVER been this sad before. I have NEVER cried this much. My eyes are blood shot and puffy they burn like crazy. My heart hurts. I just want to curl up and go to sleep. We went to Chuck E. Cheese today. I had fun.. when I wasn't crying. I want to give him a few days and then try and talk to him. Buttttt I'm scared that if I do that he wont want to talk to me or he wont feel the same anymore. I love him I really do. Goodbye has NEVER hurt so bad. I can't even think straight.

......

Tennesse.

Grayson is more than adorable. He is such a sweet baby. Cute as a button. He's so sweet when he lays in my arms and sleeps. It's amazing. In some ways I feel out of place here in Tennessee. Its not the same as being at Matt and Christi's. At Matt and Christi's I feel as if I can talk about anything and everything but here at Rusty and Andrea's I feel as if I have to watch what I say or do. I miss being close with Rusty like I was before he have kids. Yes I understand everything changes when you had kids but Matt and Rusty are everything to me. I look up to them (more so Matt) in so many ways. I look up to Andrea and Christi too. (more so Christi) I miss being close to Rusty and Andrea. I miss when I lived at Mammonk and Papaw's and Rusty was still in high school. I just miss the old Rusty. The Rusty that cared about me. The Rusty that used to call and talk to me all the time. Now I'm doing good if I get a call on Christmas. I'm glad that I have Matt and Christi I truly don't know what I would do without them. They are amazing. I look up to them in so many ways. I don't think they know how much they mean to me. I love you guys. :)

Kay. Well I have to get some school work done. Thanks for listening. More later. :)

To go back or Not to go back.

Today my mom and I were talking. We were talking about going back to school or staying homeschooled. Im at a stand still. I cant decide if I want to stay homeschool or if I want to go back to Red Oak for school. There is pro and cons to both.

Going Back To School.

Pros.

• Getting to do normal highschool stuff. (prom, graduation, ext.)
• Friends.
• Sports.

Cons.

• Having to get up and drive an hour for school everymorning.
• Getting back in the habbit of doing school everyday.
• Not being able to go out of town when I want too.

Staying homeschooled.

Pros.

• Being able to go out of town when I want to.
• Not having to do school work all of the time
• Spending more time with my mom and the baby.
• Graduating early.

Cons.

• No formal graduation.
• No prom.
• No sports.

Im so confused on what to do. I would love to go back to school. If I went back I would go to Red Oak which is fine with me. I love Red Oak. I would have to drive an hour to school, wear a uniform, go to school for 8 hours, work after school, drive an hour home, do homework, sleep, and still make time for boyfriend, friends, and family. More of me is pointing to go back to school because when my kids ask me when im older what was prom like or how big was your graduating class I want to be able to tell them. I dont want to say Oh, I didn't get to do that kind of stuff I was homeschooled.

any advice?

He loves me, He loves me not, He loves me, He loves me not.

So..I've been "dating" Bradley for almost 3 month now [March 3rd will be 3 months]. Long distance isn't always easy and I knew that from the get go. But part of me thought it would be easy.. HA. was I wrong. In long distance it requires A LOT of trust and..trust. Yes I "trust" Bradley but do I really trust him. Deep down I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Deep down I know that he loves me. He's proved it a number of times. but how come I can't accept that? How come knowing these thing aren't enough? Even though I know these things I still find myself at a place where im doubting his love. It is usually brought on by a fight or us being busy and not being able to talk to each other much. In long distance you rely 100% on phone conversations. I would love ooh so much to be able to see him everyday. Would things be easier? No. Why? Because we have both been sexually active before.. What does that have to do with anything? I know me and if I were around him everyday I would be presented with temptation that I would not be able to turn down. Needless to say if we were able to see each other everyday we would have already "done the deed". How do you know that? We've talked about it. Does he understand that it's a good thing you two dont get to see each other everyday? No. Why? Because he wants our relationship to go to the "next level". Do you want that too? Yes.. I mean No.. Heck I dont know. In some ways yes because I love him. No. Because he's the first boy that I have given my all since what happend. [if you dont know what happend im sure I will cover it in another blog. I really dont want to keep you here all day. LOL] So much of me wanted/wants this relationship to be different. I mean we met at CHURCH camp. He's a preachers son. We have the same beliefs. We were both raised in the Church of Christ. Hes susposed to be different right? In some ways he is and in others he isn't. Back to the main point of this blog. Why isn't KNOWING he loves me enough? Why do I get these random feelings that hes like every other guy. That he just wants one thing and thats it. My answer would be because im too scared to face the facts that he DOES love me and that he IS different. I say that but do i BELIEVE it?

kay. im done rambleing.. thanks for listening. :]